Hear Me Now, Believe Me Later: Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

For as much as an introvert I believe myself to be, I also crave connection.

And by that I mean, all kinds of connection. Deep connections to friends and family. The kind that makes people envious. Comfortable connections at work — the kind that make meetings enjoyable to be not just listening to, but an active part of.

The level of connection that shows people I care.

To hit that mark takes intention and a continuous effort to return to the principles behind meaningful communication, which author Charles Duhigg studies in “Supercommunicators.”

Duhigg breaks down the science of successful communicating by taking readers through three different kinds of conversations: “What’s This Really About?” to “How Do We Feel?” to “Who Are We” discussions. Each have distinct pieces and different goals, yet also can be significant to each other all at once.

What struck me as the author broke each of these kinds of conversations down was that while inherently I *know* this, I am reminded that — especially with difficult topics — it can be so easy to skip from intention into emotion. That I can start talking with someone in a positive mindset, and very quickly slip into a reactive state that leaves little room for meaningful dialogue. So to read “Supercommunicators” reminded me of the importance of objective and purpose when connecting with someone else, whether it be the bagger at the grocery store or a coworker or a family member.

For me, one of the hallmarks of a solid life skill to pick up is when it returns to you over and over again. In this case, it’s the practice of reflective listening — or in this book’s case — looping for understanding. I probably first experienced this somewhere as a kid, I’m sure. But it wasn’t until I had one of my own, and I attended a parenting workshop where I actually learned what it was and how to do it. (For anyone keeping score on parenting styles, it was the 90s. The class itself was interesting but lost me when it labeled Looney Tunes as “dangerous.” You can always find some nugget of common sense, though, in just about everything — reflective listening was it for me.)

Here, Duhigg’s inclusion of looping for understanding is part of the “How Do We Feel?” discourse, and in particular, in talking about difficult subjects. To me, this is so important because one of my core beliefs is that we all just want to be heard. And you often don’t know if you’ve been heard when, for example, you are in a heated debate and the person you are talking to is clearly just teeing up his or her next point in their head instead of taking the time to just …. listen. (And believe you me, when conversations go off the rails, I am just as guilty of this as the next person.)

If I remember nothing next week from this book, I am reminded that conversations take intention and active participation if the result you are looking for is one of a meaningful interaction. That just doesn’t happen through passive engagement.

Also? In the age of Zoom, I am anxious to put Duhigg’s matching principles into action. It’ll be interesting if I can decipher mood and energy levels and try to match for deeper connections.

Learning how to communicate for stronger, deeper connections is worthy of just about anyone’s time — if you are hankering for some nonfiction or growth and development, “Supercommunicators” is well worth your time. I would go so far as to say this actually could make for a great grad present too if you are tired of gifting “Oh the Places You’ll Go!” You don’t need to wait to have a toddler to benefit from leveling up your conversation skills.