50 Thoughts: 50 People I’d Rather Get a Text Message From than Trump

Originally published September 16, 2018

really don’t want Donald delivered direct to my phone.

For those that have missed the news, FEMA is looking to deploy a system that will allow the President of the United States to text nearly everyone with a cell phone. The first test is planned for this upcoming Thursday. The notion that anyone could wield that kind of power is a bit unnerving, despite the understandable benefits that kind of emergency telecommunication could deliver.

But lordy, why him? Why now? I shudder to think of how often our Chief Tweeter will want to yak about FAKE NEWS! and NO COLLUSION! and #MAGA!!!! rather than, let’s say, a natural disaster like a hurricane or a gas and power problem like the one that resulted in spontaneous explosions last week in Lawrence, Massachusetts.

In fact, there are at least 50 people I’d rather get a text from than Trump:

  1. My kids
  2. My husband
  3. My mom
  4. My dad
  5. An ex-boss
  6. My current boss
  7. The bank
  8. Bed, Bath and Beyond
  9. Susan Sarandon
  10. HQ
  11. An old roommate still looking for that sweatshirt you wore to the football game 25 years ago
  12. Mad Dog the Bounty Hunter
  13. Those IRS scammers telling me the US government is filing a lawsuit against me
  14. The real IRS
  15. Dollar General
  16. An ex-boyfriend looking to reconnect
  17. Joel Osteen
  18. Jeb Bush
  19. Howard Dean
  20. Charlie Sheen
  21. Kevin Trudeau
  22. The Green Bay Packers Fan Club
  23. Fandango
  24. A bill collector
  25. That one-off sheriff’s association that promises you a bumper sticker if you donate
  26. Andy Dick
  27. Farmville
  28. Amazon with an order delay
  29. My daughter’s high school
  30. My sons’ college counselors
  31. My sons’ college fundraising departments
  32. Any college fundraising department
  33. Twitter
  34. James Woods
  35. My doctor
  36. My dentist
  37. The Senate Judiciary Committee
  38. Tom Perez
  39. Tom Arnold
  40. The Gap
  41. Old Navy
  42. Justin Bieber
  43. Snapchat
  44. Tucker Carlson
  45. The Sierra Club
  46. Fruit of the Month Club
  47. Omarosa
  48. Someone trying to sell me windows or clean my chimney
  49. Jury duty
  50. The one friend that always needs $50

Seriously, though, is there an opt out? Or maybe a generic FEMA bot instead of the president? Maybe I’ll just turn my phone off for a few hours?

Here’s to those days when you could avoid people by just turning out the lights and locking the door.

Today’s recommendation: Purity by Jonathan Franzen, The Sunlight Project, yeah, I forgot about that … not quite related, by relatable …

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