Originally published September 16, 2018
I really don’t want Donald delivered direct to my phone.
For those that have missed the news, FEMA is looking to deploy a system that will allow the President of the United States to text nearly everyone with a cell phone. The first test is planned for this upcoming Thursday. The notion that anyone could wield that kind of power is a bit unnerving, despite the understandable benefits that kind of emergency telecommunication could deliver.
But lordy, why him? Why now? I shudder to think of how often our Chief Tweeter will want to yak about FAKE NEWS! and NO COLLUSION! and #MAGA!!!! rather than, let’s say, a natural disaster like a hurricane or a gas and power problem like the one that resulted in spontaneous explosions last week in Lawrence, Massachusetts.
In fact, there are at least 50 people I’d rather get a text from than Trump:
- My kids
- My husband
- My mom
- My dad
- An ex-boss
- My current boss
- The bank
- Bed, Bath and Beyond
- Susan Sarandon
- HQ
- An old roommate still looking for that sweatshirt you wore to the football game 25 years ago
- Mad Dog the Bounty Hunter
- Those IRS scammers telling me the US government is filing a lawsuit against me
- The real IRS
- Dollar General
- An ex-boyfriend looking to reconnect
- Joel Osteen
- Jeb Bush
- Howard Dean
- Charlie Sheen
- Kevin Trudeau
- The Green Bay Packers Fan Club
- Fandango
- A bill collector
- That one-off sheriff’s association that promises you a bumper sticker if you donate
- Andy Dick
- Farmville
- Amazon with an order delay
- My daughter’s high school
- My sons’ college counselors
- My sons’ college fundraising departments
- Any college fundraising department
- James Woods
- My doctor
- My dentist
- The Senate Judiciary Committee
- Tom Perez
- Tom Arnold
- The Gap
- Old Navy
- Justin Bieber
- Snapchat
- Tucker Carlson
- The Sierra Club
- Fruit of the Month Club
- Omarosa
- Someone trying to sell me windows or clean my chimney
- Jury duty
- The one friend that always needs $50
Seriously, though, is there an opt out? Or maybe a generic FEMA bot instead of the president? Maybe I’ll just turn my phone off for a few hours?
Here’s to those days when you could avoid people by just turning out the lights and locking the door.
Today’s recommendation: Purity by Jonathan Franzen, The Sunlight Project, yeah, I forgot about that … not quite related, by relatable …
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