50 Thoughts: What’s Next

Originally published October 6, 2018

I’m here at the 40s finish line awaiting my a-ha moment.

Waiting, waiting, waiting ….

If I could hope for “what’s next” as some of life’s larger priority’s creep closer to the rear view mirror, it would be for me to let go of that always present sense of waiting. I’ve danced around the topic of anxiety. It should come as no surprise to anyone who’s lost people suddenly, or parented — in particular a kid with challenges — that waiting for the other shoe to drop is a perpetual state.

• Every time the phone rings, you wonder “What happened?” before “Who is it?”
• A quiet afternoon is the devil’s playground when your mind just will not stop the mental gymnastics that is taking innocuous situations and spinning them into life-or-death scenarios.
• Harmless but cryptic texts can bring on a panic attack.
• When life is good, you can’t help but wonder for how long.

The primary reason I committed to write for 50 days was to prove I had time in a hectic schedule to commit to it. It wasn’t to find myself or banish anxiety from the two-story condo it has leased between my ears. My worries and how I move through them are as much a part of me as my sense of humor or fast draw on pop culture trivia.

But what I did discover was that I have a healthier appreciation for gratitude than I once thought. And that in my heart, I know even when things don’t happen for a reason, there’s almost always a way to justify one. There’s meaning to everything, from what you love to do to who you choose to love. There is opportunity in every moment and in every relationship. And with that in mind, I’m hopeful that when anxiety becomes so much so that it’s paralyzing, I can dig deep and make better choices about which thoughts I embrace and which ones I choose to ignore.

This is what’s next for me — more books, more walks with Gus, a whole lot of time with friends and family, and the choice to embrace gratitude for what I have in this life. I am truly excited for the next chapter.

Go grab a book, y’all. It’s time to read.